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From: guest (KJ)
, 103 months, post #1 |
Have kept this old post that I found on-line at least 13 years ago.
Posting here for conversation�
Here�s a long answer to a short question. Life as a female isn�t as
simple as it might seem. Although I�m generally happy that I�ve
chosen to become a woman, there isn�t a day that goes by where I
don�t experience small feelings of nostalgia for what I can�t have
any more, or annoyance at the little things I�m stuck with now. I
won�t dwell on the transition itself as it was relatively easy for
me. I was fortunate to have a supportive family and work
environment, an extremely gifted surgeon, and was blessed with a
physical makeup such that I was able to pass convincingly, even at
the early stages of my transition.
First, I�ll concentrate on the physical aspects of being a woman.
I�m generally happy having breasts, but there are times when they
can be a bother. Even though I�m not huge, (B/C cup) physical
activity (anything involving running, going downstairs, even riding
down a bumpy road) can range from "different" to distinctly
uncomfortable. Wearing a bra makes me feel feminine most of the
time, but on a hot, sticky day I really wish I didn�t have to. Not
wearing one isn�t an option though. First, there�s the discomfort
of jiggling and bouncing around all day. Plus it�s extremely
embarrassing to have men staring at my chest all the time. And the
women with their snide looks can be even worse than the men. (I
won�t go in to how embarrassing it can be when my nipples get hard
and show through). One other thing I miss is being able to go
around topless. As a guy, I never had to worry about hanging around
the house, doing yardwork, or going to the beach without a shirt.
If anybody had a problem with that it was their problem. It�s not a
big deal, but it�s something I miss now that it�s not an option any
more.
Of course, one of the biggest things about changing gender is the
genital surgery. No matter how much you think you�ve prepared for
it, actually going through it is a major shock. After all, you�ve
spent your entire life with a penis. Now you�re looking at spending
the rest of your life without one. Some things are mostly just
inconvenient - men really do have it better when it comes to the
mechanics of personal hygiene. A penis is a lot more efficient.
When I was a guy, I used to get hard just imagining what it would
be like to HAVE TO sit down to pee. And my first month or two as a
woman, I still thought it was pretty neat. It felt so feminine,
sitting down on the seat, and knowing I couldn�t pee standing up,
even if I wanted to. But after a while the novelty wore off. Now
it�s just part of my life, but nothing I get any particular
pleasure from. The problem is, it just takes too damn long. Guys
can just whip it out, do their business, and get back to business.
I can�t do that any more. And don�t let me get started on the long
lines for the ladies� room at public events. Sometimes it makes me
wish I could go back to being a guy again. (But of course, that�s
impossible now).
I didn�t really have much of a sex life before my transition,
although I wasn�t totally inexperienced. The main thing I can say
now is that sex is really different. Of course the sensations of
being penetrated are a huge change as compared to being the one
doing the penetrating. Even being aroused feels different. Before,
being aroused meant being erect, and doing and feeling all the
things that were part of being erect. But now there�s nothing left
to become erect. I still get aroused, but it�s more of a passive
experience. More like something that happens to me and something
that I feel, rather than something that that I can actually do
anything to achieve.
Before, my main sexual activity was "jerking off." That�s not an
option now (since I don�t have the equipment anymore) but I have
found other pleasurable methods of self-stimulation. A vibrator can
feel really nice. It is really strange though - the first time I
brought myself to orgasm as a woman, I pretty much just inserted
the vibrator, turned it on, and enjoyed the ride. I remember
experiencing intense sensations, but then I�d look down and put my
hand to my crotch, and there was nothing there except the end of
the vibrator sticking out from where my scrotum used to be. Having
an orgasm without having a penis. Now that�s a trip! And then
removing the vibrator afterwards. I think that�s when it really
began to sink it, that now I AM a woman.
Some people have asked me if I miss having sex with women. The
answer to that question is complex. I�m still the same person that
I was before the surgery, and I can still get turned on by a pretty
girl. The thing is, I was always attracted to girls that had a
certain sexual ambiguity. Not so much the hard-edged muscular butch
types, but the cute tomboy types. I suppose I was envious of them.
I fantasized that they were boys who had been transformed and were
now stuck as girls, just like I wanted to be. Or maybe they were
girls who wanted to be boys. I�m still attracted to that type, but
now the whole dynamic is transformed. So far as the girls are
concerned, I�m just another girl. I�ve met my share of gay ladies,
and even did some experimenting. It was fun, but it wasn�t what I
expected. There�s a part of me, deep down inside, that still feels
like a guy, and being with a girl brings that out. The problem is
I�m not equipped to do anything about it now. When I decided to go
ahead with the change, I sure didn�t expect it to feel like this,
but there�s nothing I can do about it now.
The good part is I�ve found that I really enjoy sex with men. Even
if it�s just the old fashioned style, it�s a whole new experience.
I just open my thighs, sometimes wrap my legs around my significant
other, and let him bang away. The part that�s strangest is
afterwards. No matter how long I�ve been a woman, I still get the
weirdest feeling inside when he pulls out and gets up. I see him
with his cock hanging out in front of him, while I�m left with the
empty space between my legs. It�s not that I really want to have a
cock again, much less go back to being a guy. I just feel weird
inside. He gets to go on with his "guy" life, while I just go back
to my "girl" life.
Back when I was a guy, I had no desire for any kind of sexual
interaction with a man. Now, it�s just so strange to touch a man�s
dick. On an intellectual level, I certainly remember having a cock.
But as time goes on, it�s harder and harder for me to remember what
it actually FELT like. Once I even strapped on a dildo. It was so
disorienting. It looked halfway real, and when I grabbed it with my
hand, the gesture felt so familiar. But of course there was no
sensation from the appendage itself. Afterwards, I just threw it
away. Deep down inside, I think it was an important milestone for
me. That kind of thing really hits home. I�m a girl now, and those
sensations, those experiences are something I�ll never have. Still,
when I get my man erect, with my hand or with my mouth, part of me
is always trying to imagine what he feels, trying to imagine what
it�s like to have a cock. I�m sure he enjoys my fascination with
his equipment, but I wonder what he�d think if he knew what was
going through my mind while I�m so busy getting him off.
On a more mundane level, being a woman is a lot more work than
being a guy. I find I spend a whole lot more time and effort on my
appearance than before. Sure, I know that it�s not something that I
HAVE to do, but the fact is that standards are different for women.
I certainly wasn�t fat as a guy, but I had to lose twenty-five
pounds to look good as a woman. I�ve kept it off, but it�s been
work. I never realized that I was going to have to spend most of my
life significantly hungrier than before.
Humans are social animals. We need human contact, and it�s natural
to want others to think highly of us. I don�t need to be Miss
Perfection every time I go out, but I don�t want people to think of
me as a slob either. As a guy, I could step in the shower and be
out the front door ten minutes later. Now it can take me an hour or
more - shave my legs, fix my hair, put on makeup, find the "right"
clothes to wear. Sure, I knew all this going in -- after all,
that�s part of the real-life test thing. But back then, it was
usually fun. At minimum, it was part of becoming a woman. Now it�s
just stuff that I have to do to be presentable.
Women�s clothing can be such a pain as well. I work in a fairly
conservative environment, so I�m expected to dress appropriately --
skirts, hose, heels, and so forth. I never minded wearing a coat
and tie, and even though loafers were comfortable, wingtips were
just fine. I�ll admit that putting on pantyhose can be quite an
erotic experience when one no longer has a penis. After a while
though, it�s just one more hassle. When it comes to clothes, guys
really do have it easier.
Socially, being a woman has its drawbacks as well. I never realized
how obnoxious men can be. Our society really does treat women as
objects. If a woman�s attractive, she�s always a potential sex
object, consciously or unconsciously. If she�s not attractive, then
she�s just not that important. I think I particularly notice this
because I wasn�t always in this role. Now that I�ve become a woman,
it�s almost like I�ve resigned my status as a full-fledged member
of society. People treat me in ways I haven�t experienced since I
was in high school - being condescending, acting superior, and not
taking me seriously. Sure, I experienced a lot of this during my
transition period as well. But back then, I was living my fantasy
-- I was becoming a woman. None of that matters now. I�m a woman,
I�m treated like a woman, and like it or not, there�s not a damn
thing I can do about it.
The other big change is psychological. This has many dimensions.
The hormones have had a tremendous effect on my personality and
emotions. Before my change, I was as masculine as any other guy.
But now, I find myself crying or getting upset at the silliest
things. It�s like I�m on an emotional roller-coaster.
Of course, that�s not surprising, given the type of transformation
that I�ve been through. I mean, I was a guy for twenty-four years.
Even though part of me always wanted to be a girl, I did guy things
and thought guy thoughts. Now all of those things are gone. Sure, I
can still do a lot of the same things I used to do, but things ARE
different now. Anything I do now, I�m doing as a girl. I can play
basketball, or BS with the guys, but now I�m a girl doing those
things. People treat me differently now, probably because I AM
different. I�m happy with my life, and glad I made the change, but
I do miss being masculine sometimes. I can still act like a guy. I
can dress up like a guy (and then I look like a girl dressed up
like a guy). But no matter what I do, I�ll never BE a guy. Probably
the whole psychological thing has do with the fact that I�m stuck
as a woman now. Not that I don�t like it, or that I�d necessarily
want to undo the change. But before, I always had a an option, a
choice ahead of me. I had the fantasy of being a woman, and I had
the potential of actually going through with it. Now there�s no
more fantasy and no more choice. I tried to explain all this to a
friend some months back. Finally she just stopped me and said,
"That�s enough. I don�t care what you used to be, or what your life
used to be like. That�s all history. The fact is, here and now,
you�re a girl. Guess what! Tomorrow you�ll be a girl. Ten years
from now. You�ll be older and you won�t be as cute, but you�ll
STILL be a girl. You and half the human race. Big deal. That�s
life. So get over it." That�s about right.
This has been a long reply to a short question. Yes, there are a
ton of things I wish I�d realized before I had myself turned into a
woman. I don�t think anything I know now would have kept me from
wanting to go ahead with the change. I�m glad I did it. I have the
body of a woman. I live life as a woman. As far as anyone else can
tell, I AM a woman. Yet some inside of me, has never given up being
a guy. In some (small) ways, it�s like I�m a guy trapped in a
woman�s body. I guess I just have to accept that
I never dreamed I�d feel like this. Knowing it ahead of time
wouldn�t have changed my mind. And yet, I do wish I had realized
how different things really would be.
|
From: guest (That Guy)
, 103 months, post #2 |
This is really interesting and enlightening. thanks so much for
sharing. I am envious.
|
From: cj
, 103 months, post #3 |
Thanks for sharing that with us KJ. Do you remember what the
question was or the forum where it was originally shared?
I'm only envious of her strength and courage to change the things
she could (and needed to), and the serenity to accept those things
which she cannot change... and the knowledge she has gained from
doing so. I'm not so envious of having to live with the
difficulties and annoyances often and for life... but then I'm not
that keen on dealing with those same types of things in my current
life either.
If I could swap with her for a day or two, when she really has a
desire to feel masculine... I'd probably be game. She gets to
reclaim some of the fading memories, and sate a need/desire... and
I get the wonder of experiencing some of the novelty of being a
woman now lost to her. Such a thing as a wide-spread commonality
might be a good thing for the species, society, and civilization.
|
From: guest
, 103 months, post #4 |
A sobering read for anyone that has even ever wondered about such
things, I found a good site linked on the stonewall website, I
think it was called rucomingout have you thought about sharing your
story with stonewall or other charities? You might reach a larger
audiance and help more people.
I personally am happy being unhappy, I think fundamentally we all
grow old and die, we all feel lonely and worry about our families
and friends and how we will put food on the table and keep a warm
roof over our heads.
So as long as you are happy being unhappy with the other things you
feel you are missing out on or that you miss about your past then
things are good.
Hope that made sense, I hope that the future brings you new
happiness and peace for everything else.
|
From: guest (KJJ)
, 103 months, post #5 |
cj
Just do not remember what this is in reply to
|
From: Forestier
, 103 months, post #6 |
Thanks a lot for sharing your story. May I ask how old you are?
|
From: Forestier
, 103 months, post #7 |
About not being able to go topless: are you as warm as you used to
be? Men tend to be warmer (and more sweaty) than women,
|
From: guest (Wassel)
, 103 months, post #8 |
@Forestier
Judging from the opening line of this thread;
'Have kept this old post that I found on-line at least 13 years
ago. Posting here for conversation�'
I get the impression that KJ did not actually write this message,
but merely found it somewhere and reposted it here for our perusal.
|
From: guest (KJJ)
, 103 months, post #9 |
Correct Wassel, this is not my message, it is one I came across
that I copied and saved, so can answer no questions about it.
|
From: guest (Forestier)
, 103 months, post #10 |
This testimony can teach us a couple of things.
- This woman used to be a straight man; she changed into a
straight-bi woman. Her womanhood made her attracted towards men.
There's been a lot of discussion about that.
- Although her experience was not what she dreamed of (but what
experience ever is?), she doesn't regret the change.
(After I read this, I found some testimonies about transpeople who
regretted their change. Some even stated we should never perform a
sex-change surgery, because this is playing God, as we will come to
realize, they said. I believe the contrary. I believe we may come
to think experiencing both sexes to be a part of a human life,
especially if we make it longer.)
- There is still a lot to do to attain sexual equality in our
society.
- As she lived as a man, she cannot experience lesbian sex without
regretting her lost manhood...
We must remember that she is not a ciswoman. Her remarks on sexual
hygiene may be biaised by the fact a reconstructed vagina is not
self-cleaning (and more so if the surgery was made 20 years ago).
And her sexual feelings may not be those of a ciswoman, as she
feels everything through a surgery altered penis.
And she lacks one of the central experience of being a woman: being
able to carry a child.
|
From: guest (Forestier)
, 103 months, post #11 |
And I forgot:
Novelty always wears off. We all know that, but we all hope it will
not.
|
From: gallux
, 103 months, post #12 |
Wow... what an interesting read... Thanks very much for sharing
with us KJ.
It felt like I was reading my own testimony if I were to go ahead
with a transition... I always fantasized the physical aspect of the
woman body... but retaining life as a guy... pretty much "a man
trapped inside a woman's body"... exactly what was related here.
Makes me think and wonder more about it,..
|
From: guest (KJ)
, 103 months, post #13 |
Thanks, pardon that a couple of posts had me as KJJ...
|
From: guest (guest)
, 103 months, post #14 |
This quote right here....
I�ll admit that putting on pantyhose can be quite an erotic
experience when one no longer has a penis.
I SOOOO WANT TO KNOW WHAT THAT IS LIKE.
Perhaps wanting a thing is more pleasing than having a thing.
|
From: guest (guest)
, 103 months, post #15 |
OMG!!!!
"I�ll admit that putting on pantyhose can be quite an erotic
experience when one no longer has a penis."
http://i.imgur.com/i4hG1We.jpg
|
From: cj
, 103 months, post #16 |
"Perhaps wanting a thing is more pleasing than having a thing."
Or in this case, not having a thing. :-P
|
From: guest (Forestier)
, 103 months, post #17 |
" "Perhaps wanting a thing is more pleasing than having a thing."
Or in this case, not having a thing. :-P "
and
Now, it's just so strange to touch a man's dick.
Would it be the opposite for breasts? I love touching and looking
at breasts; would it become boring?
|
From: Forestier
, 103 months, post #18 |
As a matter of fact, women can
pee standing up.
See this Wikipedia article on female urination device
.
|
From: Bodyswap1
, 103 months, post #19 |
Wow (KJ) You just answered some of the most important questions I
had about when you transition from male to female.
|
From: Forestier
, 103 months, post #20 |
�A sobering read for anyone that has even ever wondered about such
things�
Why so?
�I don�t think anything I know now would have kept me from wanting
to go ahead with the change. I�m glad I did it. I have the body of
a woman. I live life as a woman. As far as anyone else can tell, I
AM a woman�
She is glad she did the change.
�I personally am happy being unhappy, (�)
So as long as you are happy being unhappy with the other things you
feel you are missing out on or that you miss about your past then
things are good.�
And so is she. She seems to love her life, although she experiences
problems, most of them being the problems every woman experiences.
She is happy being unhappy.
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