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Message From A Male To Female
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From: guest (KJ) , 103 months, post #1
Have kept this old post that I found on-line at least 13 years ago. Posting here for conversation�

Here�s a long answer to a short question. Life as a female isn�t as simple as it might seem. Although I�m generally happy that I�ve chosen to become a woman, there isn�t a day that goes by where I don�t experience small feelings of nostalgia for what I can�t have any more, or annoyance at the little things I�m stuck with now. I won�t dwell on the transition itself as it was relatively easy for me. I was fortunate to have a supportive family and work environment, an extremely gifted surgeon, and was blessed with a physical makeup such that I was able to pass convincingly, even at the early stages of my transition.

First, I�ll concentrate on the physical aspects of being a woman. I�m generally happy having breasts, but there are times when they can be a bother. Even though I�m not huge, (B/C cup) physical activity (anything involving running, going downstairs, even riding down a bumpy road) can range from "different" to distinctly uncomfortable. Wearing a bra makes me feel feminine most of the time, but on a hot, sticky day I really wish I didn�t have to. Not wearing one isn�t an option though. First, there�s the discomfort of jiggling and bouncing around all day. Plus it�s extremely embarrassing to have men staring at my chest all the time. And the women with their snide looks can be even worse than the men. (I won�t go in to how embarrassing it can be when my nipples get hard and show through). One other thing I miss is being able to go around topless. As a guy, I never had to worry about hanging around the house, doing yardwork, or going to the beach without a shirt. If anybody had a problem with that it was their problem. It�s not a big deal, but it�s something I miss now that it�s not an option any more.

Of course, one of the biggest things about changing gender is the genital surgery. No matter how much you think you�ve prepared for it, actually going through it is a major shock. After all, you�ve spent your entire life with a penis. Now you�re looking at spending the rest of your life without one. Some things are mostly just inconvenient - men really do have it better when it comes to the mechanics of personal hygiene. A penis is a lot more efficient. When I was a guy, I used to get hard just imagining what it would be like to HAVE TO sit down to pee. And my first month or two as a woman, I still thought it was pretty neat. It felt so feminine, sitting down on the seat, and knowing I couldn�t pee standing up, even if I wanted to. But after a while the novelty wore off. Now it�s just part of my life, but nothing I get any particular pleasure from. The problem is, it just takes too damn long. Guys can just whip it out, do their business, and get back to business. I can�t do that any more. And don�t let me get started on the long lines for the ladies� room at public events. Sometimes it makes me wish I could go back to being a guy again. (But of course, that�s impossible now).

I didn�t really have much of a sex life before my transition, although I wasn�t totally inexperienced. The main thing I can say now is that sex is really different. Of course the sensations of being penetrated are a huge change as compared to being the one doing the penetrating. Even being aroused feels different. Before, being aroused meant being erect, and doing and feeling all the things that were part of being erect. But now there�s nothing left to become erect. I still get aroused, but it�s more of a passive experience. More like something that happens to me and something that I feel, rather than something that that I can actually do anything to achieve.

Before, my main sexual activity was "jerking off." That�s not an option now (since I don�t have the equipment anymore) but I have found other pleasurable methods of self-stimulation. A vibrator can feel really nice. It is really strange though - the first time I brought myself to orgasm as a woman, I pretty much just inserted the vibrator, turned it on, and enjoyed the ride. I remember experiencing intense sensations, but then I�d look down and put my hand to my crotch, and there was nothing there except the end of the vibrator sticking out from where my scrotum used to be. Having an orgasm without having a penis. Now that�s a trip! And then removing the vibrator afterwards. I think that�s when it really began to sink it, that now I AM a woman.

Some people have asked me if I miss having sex with women. The answer to that question is complex. I�m still the same person that I was before the surgery, and I can still get turned on by a pretty girl. The thing is, I was always attracted to girls that had a certain sexual ambiguity. Not so much the hard-edged muscular butch types, but the cute tomboy types. I suppose I was envious of them. I fantasized that they were boys who had been transformed and were now stuck as girls, just like I wanted to be. Or maybe they were girls who wanted to be boys. I�m still attracted to that type, but now the whole dynamic is transformed. So far as the girls are concerned, I�m just another girl. I�ve met my share of gay ladies, and even did some experimenting. It was fun, but it wasn�t what I expected. There�s a part of me, deep down inside, that still feels like a guy, and being with a girl brings that out. The problem is I�m not equipped to do anything about it now. When I decided to go ahead with the change, I sure didn�t expect it to feel like this, but there�s nothing I can do about it now.

The good part is I�ve found that I really enjoy sex with men. Even if it�s just the old fashioned style, it�s a whole new experience. I just open my thighs, sometimes wrap my legs around my significant other, and let him bang away. The part that�s strangest is afterwards. No matter how long I�ve been a woman, I still get the weirdest feeling inside when he pulls out and gets up. I see him with his cock hanging out in front of him, while I�m left with the empty space between my legs. It�s not that I really want to have a cock again, much less go back to being a guy. I just feel weird inside. He gets to go on with his "guy" life, while I just go back to my "girl" life.

Back when I was a guy, I had no desire for any kind of sexual interaction with a man. Now, it�s just so strange to touch a man�s dick. On an intellectual level, I certainly remember having a cock. But as time goes on, it�s harder and harder for me to remember what it actually FELT like. Once I even strapped on a dildo. It was so disorienting. It looked halfway real, and when I grabbed it with my hand, the gesture felt so familiar. But of course there was no sensation from the appendage itself. Afterwards, I just threw it away. Deep down inside, I think it was an important milestone for me. That kind of thing really hits home. I�m a girl now, and those sensations, those experiences are something I�ll never have. Still, when I get my man erect, with my hand or with my mouth, part of me is always trying to imagine what he feels, trying to imagine what it�s like to have a cock. I�m sure he enjoys my fascination with his equipment, but I wonder what he�d think if he knew what was going through my mind while I�m so busy getting him off.

On a more mundane level, being a woman is a lot more work than being a guy. I find I spend a whole lot more time and effort on my appearance than before. Sure, I know that it�s not something that I HAVE to do, but the fact is that standards are different for women. I certainly wasn�t fat as a guy, but I had to lose twenty-five pounds to look good as a woman. I�ve kept it off, but it�s been work. I never realized that I was going to have to spend most of my life significantly hungrier than before.

Humans are social animals. We need human contact, and it�s natural to want others to think highly of us. I don�t need to be Miss Perfection every time I go out, but I don�t want people to think of me as a slob either. As a guy, I could step in the shower and be out the front door ten minutes later. Now it can take me an hour or more - shave my legs, fix my hair, put on makeup, find the "right" clothes to wear. Sure, I knew all this going in -- after all, that�s part of the real-life test thing. But back then, it was usually fun. At minimum, it was part of becoming a woman. Now it�s just stuff that I have to do to be presentable.

Women�s clothing can be such a pain as well. I work in a fairly conservative environment, so I�m expected to dress appropriately -- skirts, hose, heels, and so forth. I never minded wearing a coat and tie, and even though loafers were comfortable, wingtips were just fine. I�ll admit that putting on pantyhose can be quite an erotic experience when one no longer has a penis. After a while though, it�s just one more hassle. When it comes to clothes, guys really do have it easier.

Socially, being a woman has its drawbacks as well. I never realized how obnoxious men can be. Our society really does treat women as objects. If a woman�s attractive, she�s always a potential sex object, consciously or unconsciously. If she�s not attractive, then she�s just not that important. I think I particularly notice this because I wasn�t always in this role. Now that I�ve become a woman, it�s almost like I�ve resigned my status as a full-fledged member of society. People treat me in ways I haven�t experienced since I was in high school - being condescending, acting superior, and not taking me seriously. Sure, I experienced a lot of this during my transition period as well. But back then, I was living my fantasy -- I was becoming a woman. None of that matters now. I�m a woman, I�m treated like a woman, and like it or not, there�s not a damn thing I can do about it.

The other big change is psychological. This has many dimensions. The hormones have had a tremendous effect on my personality and emotions. Before my change, I was as masculine as any other guy. But now, I find myself crying or getting upset at the silliest things. It�s like I�m on an emotional roller-coaster.

Of course, that�s not surprising, given the type of transformation that I�ve been through. I mean, I was a guy for twenty-four years. Even though part of me always wanted to be a girl, I did guy things and thought guy thoughts. Now all of those things are gone. Sure, I can still do a lot of the same things I used to do, but things ARE different now. Anything I do now, I�m doing as a girl. I can play basketball, or BS with the guys, but now I�m a girl doing those things. People treat me differently now, probably because I AM different. I�m happy with my life, and glad I made the change, but I do miss being masculine sometimes. I can still act like a guy. I can dress up like a guy (and then I look like a girl dressed up like a guy). But no matter what I do, I�ll never BE a guy. Probably the whole psychological thing has do with the fact that I�m stuck as a woman now. Not that I don�t like it, or that I�d necessarily want to undo the change. But before, I always had a an option, a choice ahead of me. I had the fantasy of being a woman, and I had the potential of actually going through with it. Now there�s no more fantasy and no more choice. I tried to explain all this to a friend some months back. Finally she just stopped me and said, "That�s enough. I don�t care what you used to be, or what your life used to be like. That�s all history. The fact is, here and now, you�re a girl. Guess what! Tomorrow you�ll be a girl. Ten years from now. You�ll be older and you won�t be as cute, but you�ll STILL be a girl. You and half the human race. Big deal. That�s life. So get over it." That�s about right.

This has been a long reply to a short question. Yes, there are a ton of things I wish I�d realized before I had myself turned into a woman. I don�t think anything I know now would have kept me from wanting to go ahead with the change. I�m glad I did it. I have the body of a woman. I live life as a woman. As far as anyone else can tell, I AM a woman. Yet some inside of me, has never given up being a guy. In some (small) ways, it�s like I�m a guy trapped in a woman�s body. I guess I just have to accept that

I never dreamed I�d feel like this. Knowing it ahead of time wouldn�t have changed my mind. And yet, I do wish I had realized how different things really would be.


From: guest (That Guy) , 103 months, post #2
This is really interesting and enlightening. thanks so much for sharing. I am envious.

From: cj , 103 months, post #3
Thanks for sharing that with us KJ. Do you remember what the question was or the forum where it was originally shared?

I'm only envious of her strength and courage to change the things she could (and needed to), and the serenity to accept those things which she cannot change... and the knowledge she has gained from doing so. I'm not so envious of having to live with the difficulties and annoyances often and for life... but then I'm not that keen on dealing with those same types of things in my current life either.

If I could swap with her for a day or two, when she really has a desire to feel masculine... I'd probably be game. She gets to reclaim some of the fading memories, and sate a need/desire... and I get the wonder of experiencing some of the novelty of being a woman now lost to her. Such a thing as a wide-spread commonality might be a good thing for the species, society, and civilization.

From: guest , 103 months, post #4
A sobering read for anyone that has even ever wondered about such things, I found a good site linked on the stonewall website, I think it was called rucomingout have you thought about sharing your story with stonewall or other charities? You might reach a larger audiance and help more people.

I personally am happy being unhappy, I think fundamentally we all grow old and die, we all feel lonely and worry about our families and friends and how we will put food on the table and keep a warm roof over our heads.

So as long as you are happy being unhappy with the other things you feel you are missing out on or that you miss about your past then things are good.

Hope that made sense, I hope that the future brings you new happiness and peace for everything else.

From: guest (KJJ) , 103 months, post #5
cj

Just do not remember what this is in reply to

From: Forestier , 103 months, post #6
Thanks a lot for sharing your story. May I ask how old you are?

From: Forestier , 103 months, post #7
About not being able to go topless: are you as warm as you used to be? Men tend to be warmer (and more sweaty) than women,

From: guest (Wassel) , 103 months, post #8
@Forestier

Judging from the opening line of this thread;

'Have kept this old post that I found on-line at least 13 years ago. Posting here for conversation�'

I get the impression that KJ did not actually write this message, but merely found it somewhere and reposted it here for our perusal.

From: guest (KJJ) , 103 months, post #9
Correct Wassel, this is not my message, it is one I came across that I copied and saved, so can answer no questions about it.

From: guest (Forestier) , 103 months, post #10
This testimony can teach us a couple of things.

  • This woman used to be a straight man; she changed into a straight-bi woman. Her womanhood made her attracted towards men. There's been a lot of discussion about that.

  • Although her experience was not what she dreamed of (but what experience ever is?), she doesn't regret the change.

(After I read this, I found some testimonies about transpeople who regretted their change. Some even stated we should never perform a sex-change surgery, because this is playing God, as we will come to realize, they said. I believe the contrary. I believe we may come to think experiencing both sexes to be a part of a human life, especially if we make it longer.)

  • There is still a lot to do to attain sexual equality in our society.

  • As she lived as a man, she cannot experience lesbian sex without regretting her lost manhood...

We must remember that she is not a ciswoman. Her remarks on sexual hygiene may be biaised by the fact a reconstructed vagina is not self-cleaning (and more so if the surgery was made 20 years ago). And her sexual feelings may not be those of a ciswoman, as she feels everything through a surgery altered penis.

And she lacks one of the central experience of being a woman: being able to carry a child.

From: guest (Forestier) , 103 months, post #11
And I forgot:
Novelty always wears off. We all know that, but we all hope it will not.

From: gallux , 103 months, post #12
Wow... what an interesting read... Thanks very much for sharing with us KJ.
It felt like I was reading my own testimony if I were to go ahead with a transition... I always fantasized the physical aspect of the woman body... but retaining life as a guy... pretty much "a man trapped inside a woman's body"... exactly what was related here. Makes me think and wonder more about it,..

From: guest (KJ) , 103 months, post #13
Thanks, pardon that a couple of posts had me as KJJ...

From: guest (guest) , 103 months, post #14
This quote right here....

I�ll admit that putting on pantyhose can be quite an erotic experience when one no longer has a penis.


I SOOOO WANT TO KNOW WHAT THAT IS LIKE.

Perhaps wanting a thing is more pleasing than having a thing.

From: guest (guest) , 103 months, post #15
OMG!!!!

"I�ll admit that putting on pantyhose can be quite an erotic experience when one no longer has a penis."

http://i.imgur.com/i4hG1We.jpg


From: cj , 103 months, post #16
"Perhaps wanting a thing is more pleasing than having a thing."

Or in this case, not having a thing. :-P

From: guest (Forestier) , 103 months, post #17
" "Perhaps wanting a thing is more pleasing than having a thing."

Or in this case, not having a thing. :-P "


and

Now, it's just so strange to touch a man's dick.

Would it be the opposite for breasts? I love touching and looking at breasts; would it become boring?

From: Forestier , 103 months, post #18
As a matter of fact, women can pee standing up.

See this Wikipedia article on female urination device .


From: Bodyswap1 , 103 months, post #19
Wow (KJ) You just answered some of the most important questions I had about when you transition from male to female.

From: Forestier , 103 months, post #20
�A sobering read for anyone that has even ever wondered about such things�

Why so?

�I don�t think anything I know now would have kept me from wanting to go ahead with the change. I�m glad I did it. I have the body of a woman. I live life as a woman. As far as anyone else can tell, I AM a woman�

She is glad she did the change.

�I personally am happy being unhappy, (�)
So as long as you are happy being unhappy with the other things you feel you are missing out on or that you miss about your past then things are good.�


And so is she. She seems to love her life, although she experiences problems, most of them being the problems every woman experiences. She is happy being unhappy.



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